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M^ -TQ FUtMii t»arsol a Drunkard t-iile..l,- 

Copy 1 ""— ^' 

No. XLIV 

THE MINOR DR 



THE TWO BOWNYCi 



la. £axtt. 



N ONE A01 



BY JOHN MADDISON MOE 



tVITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST i 
ACTERS, COSTUMES, RELATI VE,;^OS x Is 
ETC. 



NEW YORK: 
8AMU33L FIIEN< 
122 Nassau Stkbet, ;Up Stairs '• 



llC»Ogrra,ii.> 



BOOKS EVERY AMATEUR SHOULI 
JKITEUR'S GUIDE ; or, How to Get np Home Theatnods and ti 
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GUIDE TO THE STAGE. 15 cents. ART OF AC 
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INCH'S STANDARD DRAMA 



Price 1 5 Cents each.— Bound Volumes $1. 25. 



the Heartache 



issuranoe 

• Pay 

il«men ofVeroMa 

ov^ Wife 



or. V. [Debts 
(Vaj t<S Pay Old 
fore^You Leap 

if all 

and I'J-thlai 
nine V ^rriage 



5 1!\« Twelfth 
■idal 

lilies of a Night 
lest I Fair Lady 
Heart Neyer Won 
OL. Til. 
a Ruin 
th 



\do About Nothing 



VOL. XI. 
81 Julius Ciesar 
83 Vicar of Wakefield 
as Leap Year 
81 The Catspaw 
S5 The Passing Cloud 

86 Drunkard 

87 Rob Roy 

88 George Barnwell 

VCL. XII. 

89 Ingoroar 

90 Sketches in India 

91 Two Friends 

92 Jan e Shore 

93 Cor lican Brothers 

94 Uii .'1 your own Busio 

95 Wr ting on the Wall 
98 He .-at Law 

VOL. XIII. 

97 S idler' s Daughter 

98 Di uglas 

99 M ..roo Spada 

100 > ature' s Nobleman 

^ardanapaius 

iTilizatioQ 
103 The Robbers 
iO i Katharint and Petruchlo 
VOL. XIV. 

105 Game of Love 

106 Midsummer Night's 

107 Ernestine (Dream 

108 Rag Picker of Paris 

109 Flying Dutchman 

110 Hypocrite 

111 Therese 

112 La Tour de Nesle 
VOL. XV. 

113 Ireland As It Is 

114 Sea of Ice 

115 Seven Clerks 

116 Game of Life 

117 Forty Thieves 

118 Bryan Boroihme 

119 Romance and Reality 

120 Ugolino 

VOL. XVL 

121 The Tempest 

122 The Pilot 

123 Carpenter of Rouen 

124 King' 8 Rival 



pdstate 
ihKigh 



Night 

onir Co 
ant of Venice 
;adsi Young Hearts 
.aiaeers (riage 

Weeks after Mar' 
VOL. IX. 



. and Countrj 

L«ar 

Devils 

VOL. X. 
7 VIII 
fed and Single 
■y IV 
IPry 

Mannering 
ethearts and Wives 
!ous Family 
' Stoops to Conquer 



127 Pa 



I and Guardians 



VOL. XVII 

129 Camille 

130 Married Life 

131 Wenlock of Wenlock 

132 Rose of Ettrickvale 

133 David Copperfield 

134 Aline, or the Rose of 

135 Pauline [Killamcy 

136 Jane Eyre 

VOL. XVIIL 

137 Night and Morning 
138.£thiop 

139 Three Guardsmen 

140 Tom Cringle 

141 Heuriette, the Forsaken 

142 Eustache Baudin 

143 Ernest Maltravers 

144 Bold Dragoons 

VOL. XII. 

145 Dred, or the Dismal 

; Swamp 

146 Last Days of Pompeii 

147 Esmeralda 

148 Peter Wilkins 

149 Ben the Boatswain 

150 Jonathan Bradford 

151 Retribution 

152 Mineral! 
VOL. XX. 

153 French Spy 

154 Wept of Wish-ton Wish 

155 Evil Genius 

156 Ben Bolt 

157 Sailor of Franca 

158 Red Mask 

159 Life of an Actress 

160 Wedding Day 






VOL. XXI. 

161 All's Fair in Love 

162 Hofer 

163 Self 

164 Cinderella 

165 PbaDIom 

166 Franklin 

167 The Gun 

168 The Love of a Prince 

VOL. XXII. 

169 Son of the Night 
nORory O'More 

171 Golden Eagle 

172 Rienii 

173 Broken Sword 

174 Rip Van Winkle 
175 IsabeUe ^ 

176 Heart of Mid Lothian 

VOL. XXIII. 

177 Actress of Padua 

178 Floating Beacon 

179 Bride of Lamermoor 

180 Cataract of the Gangei 

181 Robber of '^he Rhine 

182 School of Reform 

183 WaDdering3oys 
184Maieppa X 

VOL. XXIV. 

185 Young New York 

186 The Victim! 

187 Romance after Marriage 

188 Brigand 

189 Poor of New York 

190 Ambrose Gwinett 

191 Raymond and Agnes 

192 Gambler s Fate 

VOL. XXV. 

193 Father and Son 

194 Massaniello 

195 Si«een String Jack 

196 Youthful Queen 

197 Skeleton Witness 

198 Innkeeper of Abbeville 

199 Miller and his Men 
•200 Aladdin 

VOL. XXVI. 

201 Adrienne the Actress 

202 Undine 

'203 Jessie Brown 

204 Asmodeus 

205 Mormons 

'206 Blanche of Brandywine 

207 Viola 

208 Deseret Deserted 

VOL. XXVII. 

209 Americans in Paris 

210 Victorine 

211 Wizard of the Wavs 

212 Castle Spectre 

213 Horse-shoe Robinson 

214 Armand, Mrs Mowatt 

215 Fashion, Mrs Mowatt 

216 Glance at New York 

VOL. XXVIII. 

217 Inconstant 

218 Uncle Tom's Cabin 

219 Guide to the Stage 

220 Veteran 

221 Millerof New Jersey 

222 Dark Hour before Dawn 

223 Midsum'r Night's Dream 
Keena's Edition 



224 J 



: and 



VOL. XXIX 

225 Poor Youiig Man 

226 Ossawattomie Brown 

227 Pope of Rome 

228 Oliver Twist 

229 Pauvrette 

230 Man in the Iron Mask 

231 Knight of Arva 

232 Moll Pitcher 
VOL. XXX. 

233 Black Eyed Susan 
'234 Satan in Paris 

Meadows |ess 
236 West End, or Irish Heir- 
■2.17 Six Degrees of Crime 
238 The Laiy and the Devil 
■ ger.orMoorof hici- 
240 Masks aud Faces lly 



iCatalague continued on third page of cover.) 



VOL. XXXI. 

241 Merry Wivenof Windsor 

242 Mary s Birthday 

243 Shandy Maguire 
•244 Wild Oats 

245 Michael Erie 

246 Idiot Witness 

247 M-iilow Copse 

248 People's Lawyer 
VOL. XXXII. 

249 The Boy Martyrs 

250 Lucretia Borgia 
'251 Surgeon of Paris 

252 Patrician's Daughter 

253 Shoemaker of Toulouse 

254 Momentous Question 

255 Love and Loyalty 
356 Robber's Wife 

VOL. XXXIII. 

257 Dumb Girl of Genoa 

258 Wreck Ashore 

259 Clari 

260 Rural Felicity 

261 Wallace 

262 Madelaine 

263 The Fireman 

264 Grist to the Mill 
VOL. XXX1\. 

265 Two Loves and a Life 

266 Annie Blake 

267 Steward 
263 Captain Kyd 

269 Nick of the Woods 

270 Marble Heart 

271 Second Love 
27a Dream at Sea "" 

VOL. XXXV. 

273 Breach of Promis* 

274 Review 

275 Lady of the Lake 

276 Still Water Runa Deep 

277 The Scholar 

278 Helping Hands 

279 Faust and Marguerite 

280 Last Man 
VOL. XXXVI. 

281 Belle's Stratagem 

282 Old and Young 

283 Raffaella 

284 Ruth Oakley 

285 British Slave 
386 A Life's Ransom 
287 Giralda 
388 Time Tries All 

VOL. XXXVII. 

289 Ella Rosenburg 

290 Warlock of the Glen 

291 Zelina 

292 Beatrice 

293 Neighbor Jackwood 

294 Wonder 

295 Robert Emmet 
396 Green Bushes 

VOL. x.^rvjil 

297 Flowers of the Forest 

298 A Bachelor of ArU 
•299 The Midnight Banquet 
300 Husband of an Hour 
?01 Love's Labor Lost 

302 Naiad Queen 

303 Caprice 

304 Cradle of Liberty 

VOL. XXXIX. 

305 The Lost Ship 

306 Country Squire 

307 Fraud and its VloUmi 

308 Putnam 

309 King and Deserter 

310 La Fiammina 

311 A Hard St uggle 

312 Gwinnett/ Vaughan 
VOL. XL. 

313 The Love Knot (Judge 
.314 Lavater, or Not a Bad 
315 The Noble Heart 
316Coriolanus 

The Winter's Tale 
31 S Eveleen Wilson 

319 Ivanhoe 

320 Jonathan in England 



No. XL I v. 
THE MINOR DRAMA. 

EDITED BY F. C. WEMYSS. 



M TWO BONNYCASTLES; 

^ iTane, 

IN ONE ACT, 

? JOHN MADDISON MORTOH, 



N K W V U R K : 

S A M U E L F R E N C H, 

12J. Nassau Strekt, (Up Staiks.) 






GIFT 
EST. OF J. H. CORNING 
JUNE 20. 1940 



First performed at ike. Theatre Royal Haymarkt 
on Tuesday^ Novernher 11, 1851. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Bat/market Theatrt Bxrton,'* 

l/r. Smuggms Mr. Lambert. Mr. Rae. 

Mr. Jo^* /ivies Johnson . , Mr. Howe. Mr. Lestb«. 

*';;^!^l^f : ^^;^^.^:-^:- } Mr. Buckstone. Mr. Burxoh. 

Mrs. Bonnycastle Mrs. Buckingham. Miss M. Ti XMti. 

Helen, {Niece to Smuggins) . Miss A. Vining. Miss West.-. 

Patty Mrs. Caulfield. Mrs. Holhvn. 



Scene— Canterbvry. 



Time of Representation — Forty-five Minutes. 



COSTUMES. 

KXS, BONNYCASTLE— Scarlet dress, black cloak, and white bona?*. 

HELEN-Check silk dress. 

PATTY— Blue cotton gown. 

8MUGK5INS— Black body-coat, and grey trowsers. 

JOHNSON— Black riding-jacket, white paletot, white waistcoat, «?J 

red plaid trowsers. 
BONNYCASTLE— Grey jacket, black waistcoat, and dark t^owsc^^. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means Right; L. Left; R. D. Right Door; L. D. Left Do^vi 

SL £. Second Entrance ; U. E. Upper Entrance ; C. Centrt, 
C. D. Centre Door. 



REMARKS. 



f"HE name of Mortow, the author, 1 1 a sare stamp of excel* 
lence — and, although the play-goer m?v U-ace the incidents in half, 
fti^ozen other pieces, yet an auditor mus' be ill-natured who would 
look t.1 the plagiarism of a farce whicl ?' s made him laugh so 
heartily. The secret of Morton's succes? is, that he confines hia 
dramatis persona: to three, four, or fiv« hixrhcAcru, which are in 
general well drawn, and always played by actors of merit. To 
Provincial Managers, (whose receipts will nc t admit of superfluous 
salaries,) he is invaluable — supplying a library of one-aft pieeea 
of such droll construction, as to furnish an excelleni evening's 
performance, wanting only the aid of a female dancer and a comic 
dinger. 

The "Two Bonnycastles" will lose nothing in comparison 
wtth " Box and Cox," " Slasher and Crasher," or " The Unwarran- 
table Intrusion," and will be for the season one of the stock farces, 
whi '1, all who relish a good joke for the joke's sake, will avail 
Jems Ives of seeing. Never was a robbery upon the highway 
turned o so merry an account, or brought to such a satisfactory 
eonc'usi * and the authors friends may " let everybody know 
at thii little affair of the 'Two Bonnycastles' is capital g.ct' 
•—it's all right — Hurrah r 

P. c. w. 



THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 



SCENE. — Office at Mr.. SmuggIns'. Entrance dooiS^ c, r 
2 E, L. 2 E., and l. 3 e., a practicable balcony^ e. 3 e ; « 
large arwrcJiair, two tables and chairs^ high desk and stooi, 
J,, papers, ^c, lying on it; lighted amdles. 

Enter 'HEhEH, followed by Patty, at door R. 2. e. 

Hel. I say it's downright tyranny, and au unwarrantable 
nterference with the liberty of the subject. 

[ Walking about. 

Pat. {Following her.) So it is, miss ! But recoiiect 
Magna Charter, miss ! Remember you're a Briton, miss ! - 
and never, never, never, be a slave, miss. 

Hel. To be married against my will ! One would think 
Uncle Smuggins fancies himself in Turkey. 

Pat. And flatters himself he can do as the Turkeys do, but 
we'lLfihow him the contrary. 

Hel. Oh I Patty, Patty, what would you do if you were in 
such a situation '? 

Pat. Give warning directly, miss — I mean I'd say to Mr. 
Smuggins : Uncle Smuggins. sooner than marry your head 
clerk, Mr. Jeremiah Jorum, I'd rather — I'c -ather marry 
somebody else. 

Hel. Bv ''vo told him scores of times, but he^ eaf to all 
I say. 

Pat. Perhapo vou don't Jiollar — I'd make him hear, T 
warrant. 

Hel. Something must be done, Patty, to break off this 
hateful match, or I shall do someihing desperate, I'm sure I 
shall. 

Pat. So I would, miSs ; I'd marry the butcher ! I ivould 
•ay. the policeman, only he's been i'^oking down our are* 



THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 

rather more thau usual lately ! But how is it, miss, t'jat 
your uncle, Mr. Srauggins, has taken such a violent fancy all 
of a sudden, to Mr. Jeremiah Jorurn, for a nephcw-in-law ? 

Hel. I'm sure I don't know, except that the odious crea- 
ture presented himself here about three weeks ago, saying 
that he was recommended for the vacant clerkship by a cer- 
tain Miss Clotilda Smirk, of Hatton Grarden, London, who it 
appears is one of Uncle Smuggins' principal clients, and no 
(sooner was he engaged to my uncle, than my uncle engaged 
him to me. 

Pat. And not without good reason, depend on it — it grieves 
me much to speak disrespectfully of your uncle. Mr. Smug- 
gins, but as he's a very clever man, and an ornament to the 
legal profession, he must put up with the consequences — it's 
my firm belief, miss, that he doesn't feel disposed to part with 
your little fortune, and therefore gip^es you iu marriage to 
Mr. Jeremiah Jorum, in order that he may keep possession 
of the money ! 

Hel. That's what I said to him yesterday. Uncle Smug 
gi"s. caid I, if it's the money you want, keep it, and marr> 
Mr. Jorum yourself! 

Pat. Nothing could be fairer. But take my advice, miss> 
insist on having every farthing of it, it may be u'-*ful in pay- 
ing the traveling expenses, in case you take it iut your head 
to run away some oi' these fine mornings. [ With (iitention. 

Hel. Run away ! 

Pat. Yes, I've heard that there's a certain youn^. man — 

Hel. Hush ! have you seen him ? 

Pat. Lor. miss, I never look at the young men. 

Hel. Nor do I ! I can't deny that there is a geiitleman 
who has lately followed me about wherever I go, like »uy 
shadow, and very handsome he is, too — the most elegant figure, 
the softest black eyes — not that I ever noticed him in the 
slightest way whatever. 

Pat So it seems. But if you hav'nt, John the gardener 
has — and he says he's sure the gentleman's m love with you. 

Hel. Tell John the gardener to uiiud his own business for 
the future, and if he can find out the gentleman's naiiiC — who 
he is — what he is — in short everything about him, I'll give 
him a guinea {Bell rings ) But there t my uncle's J>^V 

Smuggins. {Without, at back.) Patty, Patty. 



THE TWO BOr^P! i'CA^lLES. 

Pat Sir? 

Smug. Where's my wig? I can't find my wig It's sr!l 
right, I see it — it's on ray head. 

PaZ. Ha, ha ! it's lucky for master he hasn't to take his 
head ojQf at night, as well as his wig — he'd never know where 
to put his hand on it in the morning. Well, I must go. 
vaiss ; once more, show a proper spirit — remember your'e a 
Briton — and never, never, never be a slave. [Exit r. 2 e. 

Hel. I will show a proper spirit, at any rate I'll never 
marry Mr. Jeremiah Jorum, that I'm determined. 

it Patty's exit t/ie windoio is slowly opened^ and Johnsov 
looks in a7id listens. 

John. Hear, hear, hear ! 

Hel. {Seeing him and screaming ) Ha ! 

John. Hush ! {Jumps in at the window, looJcs cautiously 
round hhn, tJien suddenly and rapidly advances towards 
Helen-) 

Hd. Keep your distance, sir. {Retreating; aside) It's 
he. {Aloud) I repeat, sir, keep your distance, or I'll 
scream 

John. Hear me first, and scream afterwards ; but first let 
me apologize for introducing myself to you by thv- window, 
instead of the door — the fact is, I had so often measured the 
height of that balcony with my eye, that I could'nt resist the 
'desire of testing the accuracy of my calculation. 

Hel. Indeed. Well, sir, since that was your only motive — 
{piqued.) 

John. My only motive ! Oh, madam, how little you know 
jne! By-the-bye, that reminds me that yoa ion't know me 
at all 

• Hel. I beg your pardon, sir ; I know you to be a bold and 
very forward person. 

John. Quite the reverse, ma'am ; a more timid, bashful 
creature doesn't exist. But time is precious— in a word, the 
first moment I beheld you — now three days and a half ago— 
I felt an inward conviction that we -were born for one another 
Perhaps the same idea occurred to you, ma'am. 

He. {A7igrily) No such thing, sir. 

John. I apoloi'ize ! Such being the state of my feelings, 
madam, it became absolutely necessary that you should kno\» 



10 THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 

them ; judge, then, of my delight, when I saw that wind(,w 
standing invitingly open. Love gave me courage — an apple- 
tree did the rest — and here I am ! 

Heo. But you can't remain here, sir, — indeed you can't. 

John. Very well, ma'am. I believe you saw me come into 
this room head first, through yonder window ? — if you'll be 
good enough to keep your eye on me, you'll see me go out of 
it in the same way. 

[Imitating the actioji of jumping headfirst. 

Hel. No ! don't he rash ; you might do yourself a mischief. 

John. I think it's more than probable I should— but what 
of that, since you are insensible to the flame that rages here ! 
{Striking his right breast ) I mean here. (Striking his 
left side ) I prefer a dislocated neck to a broken heart ; so, 
4S I said before — here goes ! \ About to start to window. 

Hel. {Stopjnng him.) Stop ! 

John. Stop ? — if you insist upon it, certainly ! And as 
there's nothing makes the time pass so agreeably as an in- 
teresting subject of conversation — I'll talk to you about my- 
self ! My sirname is Johnson — my Christian names, John 
James ; add them together, and the result is, John James 
Johnson. My age is a little more than twenty-seven — my 
fortune a little less than nothing ; I profess the art of medi- 
cine, and hope in time to practice what I profess ! So much 
for my worldly advantages. My physical recommendations 
speak for themselves. So, now for my moral qualifications — 
don't be alarmed — they're few in number, so I shan't detain 
you long. In the first place, then, 1 seldom lose my temper, 
except when I get into a passion ; I never owe a shilling, 
because nobody will give me credit ; and I'm decidedly of a 
domestic turn of mind, as I don't happen to have a friend in 
the world. And now, ma'am, that you know the precise value 
of the article I offer for your acceptance, will you have me ? 
Say " Yes/' and I gain a treasure—say " No,"' and you lose 
one ! 

Hel. {Smiling.) Ha, ha, ha ! But if I were to say " yes" 
«>— you foiget one rather important feature — how are we to 
live? 

Johji. Live ? Why, live together, of course ! 

Hel. Ygu mean starve together ! Besides, my uncle wvl 
tever receive you as my suitor. 

7.Vm. Why, as he hasn't the honcr of my acquaintance, if 



II THE TWO BONNYCaSTLES. 

I were to send my card up to him, saying that the gentleman 
in the hall wished to marry his niece, it's more than probable 
he'd request a little time to consider the proposal ; but, I pre- 
sume, your uncle, like the great majority of mankind, has get 
a nose — consequently may be led by it — at least, I've heard so. 

Hel. From whom ? 

John. From a friend of mine — one of his clients that 1 
knew in London — a certain Miss Clotilda Smirk. 

Hel. Miss Smirk no longer ; she has lately married. 

John. I'm delighted to hear it ; for, between you and mc. 
I was afraid she had taken a fancy to me. And who's the 
victim — I mean the happy man ? 

Hel. I think my uncle said his name was Connycastle. 

Joh7i. Does your uncle know him ? 

Hel. No. 

Joh)i He has never seen him ? 

Hel. No ; but he says he rather expects him down here 
shortly, on business connected with Mrs. Bonnycastle's pro- 
perty. 

Joh7i. {Suddenly.) Egad ! I have it — ^yes, capital ! 

Hel. What? 

John. Nothing ; but if anything should occur in the course 
cf half an hour to make you open your eyes with astonish- 
ment, don't open your lips to say so. Ask no questions ; but 
rely on it, '4f you'll remember me," '' we may be happy yet." 

Hel. Happy ? Could you be happy, if you had to marrv 
a man you can't endure ? 

John. What's that 'I Have I got a rival 1 

Hel. Yes — my uncle's head clerk. 

John The head clerk dies ! 
•^IIvl. No, no! 

Joh7i. Excuse me, I must kill him — indeed I must ! 

Bonnycastle. ( Without ) Very well, Mr. Smuggins, if you 
arc not satisfied, you had better go on your own errands your 
own self 

Hel. Here's some one coming — make haste, fly ! 

John. I'll soon be back — and as I said before • 

Hd. Never mind what you said before — go! 

John. Where? Ah, here I [Goes behi/ui tvindoto curtain, 
which lie draw% so as to conceal himself. 



iB THE THO BONNYCASTLES. 

Enter Bonnycastle, c, tvith a very large blue bag, very fuH 
of papers, and a quantity of papers stickmg oiUojf his 
pockets, and under each arm. 

Bon. {Turning and speaking off as he enters.) I repeat, 
you had better go on your own errands your own self. \Ad' 
tances to front ) I appeal to any one, is it possible for any 
man to display anything like agility in his movements with 
such a load as I have got distributed about me in various 
parts of my person ? What I say is this — if I'm to do the 
work of a London Parcels Delivery Company cart, let me 
have the privilege of that cart : gi?e me a horse to pull me 
about ! {Seeing Helen ) Ah ! Miss Helen, How dy'e do, 
Miss Helen ? You'll excuse my taking oflFmy hat, because I 
can't get at it. [ Trying to get his Jiand to his hat. 

Hel. You are loaded, indeed, Mr. Jorum ! Such a very 
hot day, too ! 

Bo?i. Hot ! I've been in such a dreadful state of perspira- 
tion, that I really thought I should have run all away. I did 
ask a highly respectable individual in the street, if he'd be 
kind enough to take my pocket handkerchief out of my pocket 
and wipe my forehead for me. He said he would ; and, what's 
more, he did — only he forgot to put the handkerchief back 
again. 

Hel. I presume those are papers of consequence ? 

Bon. Of the utmost importance — or I should have dropped 
them long ago. ^Jjets them all fall o?i tlie stage. 

Hel. What are you about, Mr. Jorum 1 You are smother- 
lag me with dust ? 

Bo7i. A thousand pardons ! I'll open the window. 

\Runs to window. 

Hel. (Anxiously ) No— never mind ! 

Bon. But I do mind! [Throwing ojoen curtains. 

Hel. {Looking; then aside.) lie's none \ 

Bon. {Throiving wiiidow open.) There ! It'll soon blow 
off— and, really, now I look at you, I assure you. your'e none 
go dusty ! . , ^ i 1 

Hel. {Recovering herself.) I was afraid you might catch 
cold — that's all, 

Bon. Your'e very kind ; but pray, don't be alarmed on my 
account ; I've got no end of flannel on, besides hare sKins— 



THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 8 

uo — I rather think they're rabbit skins, because they're a 
sort of tortoise-shell color. [Going to desk. 

Hel. Yes, sir, I know I am much too kind ; especially as 
you seem determined to make me the most unfortunate cf 
women. 

Bon. What? [Depositing papers, ^-c, on desk. 

Hel. Determined to make me the most unfortunate of 
women. 

Bon. Goodness gracious ! [Coming hastily down.) I 
make you an unfortunate woman ! I vow and protest . 

Hel. Yes, sir ! Have you not consented to marry me 1 

Bon. Now, my dear Miss Helen, just let's change posi- 
tions. In other words, let me be I and you be you — no — let 
I be me and — no — never mind — you know what I mean. 
Well, your uncle, Mr. Smuggins, says to me, last Monday 
week, as I was putting up the shutters, " Jeremiah Jorum," 
says he, " What do you think of my niece?" " Well," says 
I, going on putting up the shutters, "I think she's a stunner," 
says I. •' You do?" says he. " I do," says I ; and up went 
another shutter. '' Then," says he, '• you think she'd make a 
good wife ?" says he, giving me a considerable slap on the 
shoulder. " Well," says I, giving him a prodigious poke in 
the ribs, " I think she would." "Then she's your's !" says 
he. 1 thought I should have dropped — as it was, I only drop- 
peti the shutter. 

Hel. You should have asked time to consider. 

Bon. So I did. " Certainly," says he, " lots of time — I'll 
give a good hour and a half," says he. " If you say Yes, I'll 
take you into the house — if you say No, I'll kick you out of 
it." and away he went ! 
.^ Hd. And you said " Yes," of course. 

Bon. Well, they say, " of two evils" choose the least ;" and 
I certainly did come to the conclusion that a good wife is 
preferable to a good kicking ! 

Hel. Now listen to me, sir ! I don't like you — I never 
can like you — and if you insist on making me Mrs. Jeremiah 
Jorum, you — ^you — you know what the consequences will be 
— that's all ! [Exit r. 2. e. 

Bon. Yes, ecod ! I do know what the consequences 
would be — the consequences would be transportation ! 
-••••because I happen to have a wife already — a wife 



14 THE TWO BONNYCAS'lLES. 

• 

that I adore — a woman I hoped to live with for the next 
fifty years, and ran away from at the end of three weeks I 
I don't wish to boast, but I feel convinced that when the ad- 
ventures of Benjamin Bonnycastle come to be known, Sinbad 
the Sailor will sink into utter insignificance ! That man will 
have to hide his diminished head — in point of fact he'll have 
to put it somewhere immediately ! Now this is the state of 
the case : — Three weeks ago, as Mrs Bonnycastle was rather 
poorly, she went down to Buxton to drink the waters ; she 
wanted me to go too, but I did'nt fancy the waters ; I had 
drunk them before, and they did'nt agree with me ! Well, 
after I had seen her off in the evening, I thought I'd take a 
stroll to St. James's Park and smoke my cigar, and look al 
the ducks and the nursery maids. I had'nt been there long 
before it came on to rain in torrents ; the ducks immediately 
dived under water, the nursery maids disappeared by the var 
ious gates, and I was left under the nearest tree ; but, as it 
was getting darker and darker, and rained harder and harder, 
T made up my mind to run for it, and away I started at tho 
top of my speed ; but I had'nt got twenty yards before I came 
into violent collision with an individual who was making for 
the same gate. I hadn't the most distant idea how long it 
took me to recover the shock, but when I did the individual 
was gone— that I did'nt care about— but my watch was gone, 
too ! — and that I did care about. So off I set again — luckily 
caught him up, seized him by the collar with one hand — 
snatched my watch out of his fob with the other — and then, 
as of course, there was no policeman near, I let him go — went 
home — lighted a candle — went up to bed — and there — I shall 
never forget it as long as I live ! — there, the first thing 1 saw. 
lying on the dressing-table, was my own watch that I had^ 
left behind me ! Yes— \he thing was clear — I had stoppisd 
one of Her Majesty's subjects on one of Her Majesty's high 
ways, and robbed him ! I had booked myself for Botanjf 
Bay ! What was to be done ? At last a brilliant idea struck 
me — I'd destroy the evidence of my guilt ! I seized the 
watch, dashed it on the floor, trampled on it, and flung it 
into the fire, and I was safe !— at least I thought I was, but 
I wasn't; for such was the state of nervous excitement I was 
in, that I made a slight mistake and destroyed my own watch 
instead of tho other ! There was now only one thing to ba 



THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 

*>ne, and the next morning I did it. I set off for the ne&r 
set poliof station to state the whole circumstances of the case 
when tJ i first thing I saw there was a hand-bill just posted 
up, headed " Highway Robbery — £20 Reward," with a full 
description of the property stolen, and offering a reward of 
twenty pounds for the apprehension of the offender ! I rushed 
home again — packed up a carpet-bag — left a note for Mrs. 
Bonnycastle, without the most distant idea of what I had 
written, and started off without the most remote notion of 
where I was going to. At last I recollected hearing her men- 
tion a Mr. Srauggins, of Canterbury, as her man of business ; 
so down I came here, with the intention of putting him in 
possession of the whole affair ; but I got frightened, and, a? 
he was in want of a clerk, I preferred presenting myself with 
a letter of introduction (which I wrote myself) from his client, 
th*? late Miss Clotilda Smirk, of Hatten Garden ; he engaged 
me at once ; and the next morning, under the assumed name 
of Jeremiah Jorum, I took possession of the vacant stool in 
his office. That's three weeks ago, and I've been sitting upon 
thorns ever since ; I think every man and woman I see is a 
policeman in disguise ! And now the stupid old fool wants 
me to marry his niece — just as if highway robbery wasn't 
enough, without doing a bit of bigamy ! I declare I often 
feel inclined to knock my head against the wall ! — and what's 
more I would — if it did'nt hurt. 

Enter Johnson, at c. d., with a carpet-bag, hat, box and 
umbrella. 

John. ( \side as he enters.) Now then, attention! [Ad- 
va"- es and slaps Bonnycastle on the slwulder, who gives a 
vinhnt Jump, and finds himself face to face vnth Johnson. ) 
How are you ? 

Bon. [Starijig xoildly in Johnson) s face, attempts to speak^ 
staggers, and falls into his arms.) 

John. Holloa ! zounds, what's the matter with you ? It 
can't be the pleasure of seeing me again, considering I never 
>jaw you before. 

Bon. {Starting up.) Of course not ! ha, ha, ha ! As you 
very properly observed, you never saw me before — in point 
of fact, you would'nt hesitate to take several oaths before 
several magistrates that you never saw me before ! The fa/)t 



i6 



HE TWO B0NNYCASTLE3. 



is, I thought at first you were a very old and valued friend ol 
mine ; but, now I look at you again, I see you're not a bit 
like him — he was a handsome man, he was ! 

John. Thank ye ! Can I see Mr Srauggins ? 

Bon. I really don't know if Mr. Smuggins is fit to be seen ! 

Joh7i. Never mind, I can wait. Bye-the-bye, can you tell 
me the time? 

Bon. Certainly ! [ Taking out his watch. 

John. I unfortunately lost my watch a short time ago. 

Bon. {Hastily cramming watch back into his trowserS 
'pocket.') And I quite forgot to wind mine up last night ; and 
I've remarked that watches in general don't go so well when 
they're not wound up ! I'll tell Mr. Smuggins you're here — 
bye-the-bye, what name shall I say ? 

John. (Aside) Now for it ! (Aloud.) Mr. Bonnycastle ! 

Bon. (After a sliort pause of astonishment. ) Will you bs 
good enough to say that again, sir ? 

John. Bonnycastle ! (Aside.) What the deuce ails the 
man, does he suspect 1 

Bon. (Aside.) He distinctly said Bonnycastle! but after 
all what of that ? it may be a very common name. There art 
several Elephant and Castles, why shouldn't there be lots of 
Bonnycastles ? (Aloud.) Will you be good enough to tell 
me how you spell Bonnycastle, sir ! 

John. Certainly ! B 

Bon. Of course I know it begins with a B ! I couldn't for 
a moment imagine it began with a Q ! B, 0, N, N, ^ 
Bonny ? 

John. Yes ! C, A, S 

Bo7i. You're sure it isn't K, A, S ? ^ 

John. Pshaw ! . "^ 

Bon. (Aside.) Perhaps he's some relation of mine — he 
can't be my brother — because I never had one ! to be sure I 
once had a cousin, but he went to America and died — I're 
half a mind to ask him if he ever went to America and died i 

Joh7i. I see how it is — the name's strange to you ! Of 
course it must be, since it's only recently that Clotilda be- 
came my wife. 

Bon. Clotilda? ^ , 

Joh7i. Yes, Miss Clotilda Smirk! of Hatten Garden 
Xicndon. ,- r i -, 

Bon. (After a short pause, then quietly taking Johnson i 



a*«E two BONNYCASTLES. 17 

irm.) Now, my dear sir, let's understand one another ; therc'a 
aothing like seeing one's way clearly — which I confess I don't 
— you mean to assert — but first do you know the nature of 
in oath ? [Sokmnhj. 

John. I ought — I've used a great many of 'em in my time ! 

Bon. And you are prepared to assert — that Miss Clotilda 
Smirk 

John. Is now Mrs. Bonnycastle ! 

Bon. Exactly ! 

John. And I am Mr. Bonnycastle ! 

Bon. Precisely! {Suddenly) No— that is — 

John. Perhaps you arc — ? 

Bern. Yes — that is — I mean — (aaide.) if I was sure thia 
fellow wasn't one of the detective police, I'd unmask him and 
expose him in all his naked deformity ! 

John. Perhaps you knew my dear little Clotty before I 
married her ? I call her Clotty for short ! 

Bon. (Aside.) Clotty for short! Goodness gracious, can 
the inconsiderate woman have married two Bonnycastlcs ? 

Joh7i. Egad ! now I think of it, you may be that young 
fellow that used to be so sweet upon Clotty ! ha, ha, ha ! 

Bon. Oh! ha. ha! {Forcing a laugh.) A young fellow 
used to be sweet upon Clotty, eh 1 

John. Before she became Mrs. Bonnycastle ! Bye-the-bye, 
they say your old governor Smuggins. was an admirer of lier's, 
too ; then there was the Chemist and Druggist on Holboni 
Hill, and the Tallow Chandler in Farringdon street, besides 
t^ lots of others ; but you see Bonnycastle cut 'em all out after 
all, eh ? ha. ha, ha ! 

[Slapping Bonnycastle on the hack and going ^ip- 

Bon, {Forcing a very loud laugh.) Ha, ha, ha ! {A&ide.) 
T*'>.11, this is pleasant — take it altogether it's about the most 
agreeable quarter of an hour I ever spent in all my life ! 
Enter Smuggins, c. 

Smug. {To Bon ) Oh ! here you are — I've found you at 
last, have I ? {Seeing Johnson Heyday ! a stranger ? 

John. Mr. Bonnycastle, at your service ! [Boioing. 

Bon. {haughirg hysteri:alhj.) Ha, ha, ha ! that's right! 
stick to it ! 

Smug. Jeremiah ' behave yourself, sir I hand Mr. Bonny 
jastle a chair, sir' 



THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 

Bon. Pooh ! 

Smug. Do you hoar what T say, sir ? {Bonnya^-'itlt kick, 
a diair toioards Johnson ; Shitiggijis and Johnson seat them- 
selves. .) And my dear Mr. Bonnycastle 

Bo7i. Well 'I [Advancing ) 

Smvg. I wish you'd speak when you're spoken to, sir ! 
And so you'r the happy husband of my sweet friend, Miss 
Clotilda "Smirk? {To Johnson.) 

Bon. Stveet friend ! come, I say, Smuggins ! (Giving him 
a violent dig in the side with his dhow ) 

Smvg. {Aside, to Bon.) Hush! it's all right — of course he 
doesn't know what desperate love I used to make to her !— 
ha, ha. ha ! {Chudding) Wives don't tell their husbands 
everything, eh 1 — ha, ha, ha ! 

Bon. {Aside ) The very first time I catch Smuggins alone, 
I shall make it ray immediate business to strangle him ! 

Smvg. {Aside to Bon ) He's really much better looking 
than I expected, for when Mrs. Bonnycastle wrote to me to 
apprize "me of her marriage, she said her husband was a per- 
fect fright, 

Bon. {Aside.) Pleasant again ! 

Smug. And whore's the charming Mrs Bonnycastle? 

[ To John. 

John. In London. 

Bon. Buxton ! ^Shouting. 

Smug. Will you be quiet ! {To Johnson.) And how is 
she? 

Jolin. Quite well. 

Boti. Poorly! {Shouting agmn. 

Smng Hold your tongue ! how should you know anything 

About her? ^ , , , .. .7' 

John. Of course, I presume. I ought to know better tlian 
you ! {To Smvggins.) And so you really think her charm- 

^""^mvg {Asideto Bon.) He asks me if I thi.ik her charm- 
ing ! i know she is. eh ?-ba, l.a. ha ! very odd if I didn t, 
eh ^ IChudding ami nudging Bonnycastle. 

Bon. {Aside to Smuggins conJidcnVicdly ) If you do that 
again, Smug£ins, PU bit you ! ,,••., 

Simi- Bv-thebvo, Mr Bonnycastle, this is the young 
wan ghe recommended to me— of course 1 engaged buu m 



THE TWO BONNYCASTLE&. 19 

mediately. {Pointing to Bofi. loho turns axc-z^ disgusted.) 

John. Oh ! my wife recommended him, did she 1 rather an 
odd thing to do without consulting me ? but you know 
Clotty's a queer little body. 

Bon. (Aside.) He says Clotty's a queer little body ! I 
never saw anything queer ! 

John. However, I hope you've found him civil and sober, 
and all that sort of thing, and more intelligent than he looks ! 
{Bon. again turns away disgusted. 

Smug. Why the fact is I look over several little defects, 
because between you and me he's going to marry my niece, 
Helen! But where is she, I wonder; here, Helen, Helen! 

Enter Helen in a walking dress and bonnet, running 
from p^. 2 E. 

Hel. Yes, uncle. (Seeing Johnson, starts.) Ah! 

Smug. Ah ! what d'ye mean by ah ! 

Hel Noth-ing — only seeing a stra:3ger — 

Smug. A stranger ? No such thing, my dear ; this is Mr. 
Bonnycastle, the husband of my highly valued and respected 
client, the late Miss Clotilda Smirk, (takes her hond.) Mr. 
Bonnycastle, my niece Helen ! — my niece Helen, Mr, Bon- 
nycastle ! 

Hel. Mr. Bonny (Stopping on a sign from Johnson ) 

John. Now, young man ! (Pushing Bonnycastle out of his 
way, and going to Helen ) A very charming person, indeed ! 
(taking Helen's hand, then hastily aside, to her.) I've done 
it— it's all right ! hush I 

Hel. (Aside ) Was there ever such assurance ! 
__Smvg. (To Johnson.) Of course you'll sleep here? 
Patty ! (Calling off .) get a bed ready for Mr. Bonnycastle. 
Bye-the-bye, you want your supper ? of course you do ! 
Here, Jeremiah, Jeremiah, I say ! (To Bonnycastle icho has 
gone and seated himself on tlie stool before the desk, pulling 
tlie papers about, smashing the 2')e7is, &-c ) 

Bon. Well? 

Smug. Come here, I want you ! 

Bon (Shouting again ) 1 hear you ! (Banging the tid 
of t.lte desk down, and coming slowly down with the blue bag. 
Here 1 am, what do you want ? (In the mme sulky tont 
and rdanner.) 



fO THE TWO BONNYC^STLESt, 

Smug. Why, as Patty's busy, I want you to j t , ppei 
for Mr. Bonnycastle — that's all 

Bon. Oh. that's all ! Your'e sure that's all ? — ha, h^ , ha ' 
{LaugJiing wildly.) perhaps you'd like me to clean Mr. Bon- 
nycastle's boots, or brush Mr. Bonnycastle's hair ; you're a 
delicious creature, Smuggins, 'pon my life you are ! — ha. ha, 
ha! {Laughing loildly again, and swinging tJie blue bag 
frantically about., hitting Smuggins on tlie back ) 

Smug. You'll oblige me, Jeremiah, I'm sure you will; 
Tou'll find the tray ready laid in the next room, so bring it 
in at once and have done with it ! 

[Pushing him towards r. 2 e. 

Bon. Well, but 

Joh7i' \ ^°^ ^^ along ! \Tlmj push him out at r. 2 E. 

John. Now, Mr. Smuggins, what say you to a little stroll 
in the mean time ? 

Smug. You must excuse mo. my dear Mr. Bonnycastle, 
business must be attended to ; but Helen, I am sure, will be 
delighted. 

Hel. But, my dear uncle [Hesitating. 

Smug. Pshaw! don t 'be absurd — I insist upon it — take 
Mr. Bonnycastle's arm this minute, and go along— go along, 
I say ! 

Eoceunt Johnson and Helen, ar7n-in-arm,followed by Smug- 
gins. 

Enter Pattv, r. 2 e. 

Pat. (Speaking towards door as site otters) 1 tell you 
once for all, I can't do it, Mr. Jorum, there's the plate to 
clean — and the kitchen to scrub — and Mr. Bonnycastle's bcJ 
to make — and I don't know what else besides ! {A double 
knock.) Who can this be I wonder? {runs out door c.tlien 
heard vnthout.) This way, this way, ma'am, if you please ! 
{Re-enters, sJiowing in Mrs. Bonnycastlb, very agitated.) 
You wish to see Mr. Smuggins, I j resume, ma'am. 

Mrs. B Yes, I must see him immediately! this moment 

Pat. Sorry for that, ma'am, 'cause I rather think master'l 
busy ; perhaps his head clerk, Mr. Jeremiah Jorum, will do 
as well? 

Mrs. B. Yes, yes, send him to me this instant ! 



THK TWO BO.XNYCASTLES. ftl 

Pat. Very well, ma'am. {Ca'/uag towards door, n 2. e.) 
Ui!i. Joruin. you're vv-antod ! 

Bon. ( Witltout ) Coming directly ! 

Pat, Take a scat, ma'am. [Placing a chair) You'll ex- 
mse me, ma'am, but Saturday's always such a busy day. 
{^Calling again.) Make haste, Mr. Jorum ! [Rnns off^ c. 

Mrs B. What a dreadful state of agitation I am in, to be 
sure, and no wonder ' T return home from Buxton yesterday, 
and find that my husband — my Bonnycastle — has suddenly 
and mysteriously disappeared ; gone nobody knows where, 
nobody knows why ! He was last seen alive on the very even* 
;ng I left London, rushing frantically down Ilolborn Hill, 
with a carpet-bag under his arm, and hasn't been heard of 
since ; a few lines on the dressing table out of which I could 
make neither head nor tail, only serve to make matters worse. 
So, late as it was, I started off for Canterbury this evening to 
consult my old friend, Mr. Smuggins, who I'm sure will leave 
no stone unturned to ascertain if I am a wife or a widow ! 
Will that head clerk of Iiis never come ? ah, yes, here he is ! 

Re-enter Bonnycastle, r. 2 e., carrying a small tray loith 
IwncJieon. lie carries it very carefully- 

Bon. (^As lie enters.) Woh ! steady ! bother the tray ! do 
what I will that pepper-caster will keep tumbling down. 
{^Looking up and finding himself face to face with Mrs, Bon- 
nycastle.) Clotilda ! (Drops tray, ^c, on stige with a 
^oud smash.) 

Mrs. B. Mr. Bonnycastle ! 

Bon. [Suddenly ancl grasping her arm.'] Hush! I'm not 
Bonnycastle ! consider Bonnycastle as defunct — look upon 
"Bonnycastle as a man with an extinguisher put on him ! 

Mrs. B. Pshaw ! explain your mysterious and suspicious 
conduct, this moment, Mr. Bonny 

Bon. Hush ! 

Mrs. B. Why did you leave Hatton Garden, sir, as soon 
as your wife's back was turned, sir ? Tell me that, Mr. 
Bonny 

Bon. Hush ! 

Mrs. B. And what is the meaning of this gibberish I found 
on the dressing table when 1 reached home yesterday, sir? 
{Readhig a p«pe;- ichich she takes out of her reticule.) *' Clo- 



22 THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 

tilda — don't be alarmed —sudden business — horrible event » 
St. James's Park — innocent as a lamb — highway robbery — ■ 
£20 reward — dressing-table — watch — Botany Bay — carpet* 
bag — you understand." — But I do not understand,- Mr. 
Bonny 

Bo)i. Hush ! 

Mrs. B. In short, why do I find you hero ? under another 
roof — under another name? Speak, Mr. Bonny 

Bon. Hush! all shall be explained — but not now. I'll 
unfold my short, but moving tale, another time. 

Mrs. B. I see, sir — ^yes, base man, there's another female 
in the case ! 

Bon. I vow and protest — no, I don't — of course not — why 
shouldn't there be two females in the case as well as two 
males'^ Yes, two males, ma'am, and both of them Bonny- 
castles ! 

Mrs. B. Two Bonnycastles ! ha, ha, ha ! I'm sure one's 
enough in all conscience. 

Bon. If that's your opinion ma'am, how is it that there's 
an individual under this very roof, at this very moment, who 
assert! to my very face that he's your husband — calls you 
Clotty for short — and says you're a queer little body ? 

BIrs. B. The impudent impostor I A disappointed admirer 
of mine, no doubt. 

Bon. I shouldn't wonder ; he says you've had lots of 'em. 

Mrs. B. " Lots of 'em 1*^ • I've a very fair share of them, 
sir. But I'll soon unmask this counterferTliusband ! 

Bon. Do ; but don't unmask me at the same time ; because, 
if he should happen to turn out to be a policeman in plain 
clothes — instead of two husbands, I'm horribly afraid you 
won't have one ! 

Mrs. B. Will you explain ? [Impathntly. 

Bon. Not now. As I said before. I'll unfold my short but 
moving tale another time. So remember that I am still Jore- 
miah Jorum, Mr. Smuggins' head clerk— that you recom- 
mended me to him — and, above all 

Smug. ( Without ) A lady waiting for me ? 

Bon. Oh lud ! {Runs out at n. 2 b- 

E?iter Smuggins, c., runnijig. 
Smu£. Where is she? My dear Miss Smirk— I m«»n Mra 



THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 



2.i 



Bonnycastle — I'm delighted to see — in fact, such is my de- 
light, that I [Out of breal/i. 

Mrs. B. That you can't find words to express it? 

Smug. The fact is, I am rather out of breath — for such 
was my impatience to behold you again — that I actually ran 
evei-y inch of the way from the other end of the passage ! 

Mrs. B. And very foolish of you, too, sir ; recollect you're 
an old man. 

Smicg. {Aside.) That's a pleasant observation to start 
with! (Aluud.) Of course you know Mr. liounycastlc's 
here ? How agreeably surprised he'll be ! 

Mrs. B Do you think so? 

S/nug. I'm sure of it ; for I'm confident he doesn't expect 
you — at least he did'nt say so. 

Mrs. B. No ! I certainly think I shall rather astonish 
him. But where is he ? 

Smug. He's gone out to take a stroll with my niece Helen. 
Of course, being your husband, I saw no impropriety in it, 
though I rather think Jeremiah did'nt half like it. 

Mrs. B Jeremiah? 

Smug. Yes — Jeremiah Jorum — my clerk, that you recom- 
mended to me. 

Mrs B. True — but why should he take any interest in 
Miss Helen's proceedings ? 

Smug. Why ? For the best of all reasons, he's going to 
marry her ! 

Mrs, B. Marry her ! 

Smug. Yes, I very soon saw the poor fellow was over head 
and ears in love with her — usual symptoms — glances, tender 
sighs, and all that sort of thing — so I took compassion on him, 
and proposed the match myself. 

Mrs. B And he ? [Anxiously. 

Smug. Hummed and ha'ad a little at first — said he should 
be delighted ; but there was a slight obstacle existing at pre- 
sent, which time would probably soon remove. 

Mrs. B. {Aside.) That's me! I'm the slight obstacle! 
Oh, the perfidious wretch ! 

Smug. However, he soon thought better of it — ^jumped at 
my proposal — and all was settled I 

Mrs. B. {Aside.) The monster ! But I'll be revenged ! 



24 THE TWO R0^NVCA3TLES. 

Enter Helen, c. 

Smug. Ah ! here's PTelon Come here, luy dear, and pay 
youi- respects to Mrs. Bonnjcastle. •< 

Hcl. Mrs. Bounycastle : {Aside ) Oh lud ! what's to be 
done now 1 

S)}wg. But Where's Bonnycastle ? What have you done 
with Bonnycastle ? 

Hd {Confused.) I— that is—I'll run and find him— 
{Aside) And put him on his guard. 

Smrig. [Stojjping Iter ) No, no, V\\ find him myself! AS '. 
{Seeing Johnson^ivho enters at c.) here he is. 

Rcl {Aside) He's lost! {2rying to attract Jolmsov's 
attention by signs, Sfc.) 

Mrs. B (Seeing hin?, aside) Can it be ? Yes ! it is he ' 
Johnson — the identical John James Johnson, that I onrc 
had some thoughts of accepting — only he never proposed ! 

Smvg. Now, Bonnycastle, come along ! Here's a lacy 
wants you. 

John. (Advancing.) A lady ? (Withotit seeing Mrs. Bo. i- 
nycastle) Who? {Seeing Mrs B. aside.) Clotilda! the devil! 

Smug. Hollo! Bonnycastle? (Looking at JoJmsonw I w 
suddenly cocks his hat very onticlb over his eyes) Why, what's 
the matter with you, Bonnycastle? Oh ! I see — it's the sur- 
prise — the sudden rapture. 

John. Yes — exactly — as you say, the sudden rapture . 
(Aside) I' re half a mind to take to my legs ! 

Mrs- B. (Aside) So this is the counterfeit husband, is it ':■ 
Very well ! Now then, to revenge myself on the perfidioue 
Bonnyccistle ! (Aloud and in a tender tone to Johnson) Wei' , 
dear ? '• 

Hel. (Aside) Dear ! — she calls him dear ! 

Mrs. B. (In the sajne tone to Johnson) Isn't this an agree- 
able surprise ? or ought I have given you notice of my ar- 
rival — ch. dear ? 

John. '{±iside) She's laughiuj, at me— that's quite-clear! 

Mrs. B. You're not angry with your •' Clotty ?" forwhers 
should '• Clotty" be, but with her husband ? {Puttijig Iter 
arm a^'ectionatcly in Johnsori's. 

Hcl (Aside) Her husband? Then he's been making » 
fool of me ? 



\ 



THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 25 

Smug [To Johnson.^ Come, come, Bonnycastlo ! kiss 
and be friends. I insist upon it! 

John. {Aside.) I'm desperate! {Aloud.) With all my 
heart ! [ Throwing his arms roiiiid Mrs. Boniiycastle. 

Enter Bonnycastle. r 2 e. 

Bon. {Seeing them embrace.) Ha, ha, ha! {Laughing 
vrmly and shouting.) That's right! — go it! — keep it up I 
— don't mind me ! — ha, ha, ha I {Spinning round two or 
*hr, ,' iii.ii. md dropping into Smuggins' arms.) 

■•otv.s.:. Hollo I What's the matter? Zounds! rouse your- 
! Jereuiiah ! 

! Trying in vahi to make Bonnycastle stand up. 

lid. (Aside.) Now for my turn. {Shoiviyig an indig7iant 
look "i Ji-'l. 'ison and running to Bonnycastle.) Yes, look up, 
Jereraiah^ and lean on me. 

^Sm.ug. (In an agony at Bonnycastle' s iveight.) Yes, lean 
en her, 

John. >To, no ! [About to ititerfere. 

Sviug. Zounds ! don't you interfere, Bonnycastle. 

[PusJmtg him hack. 

Boi. {Suddenly Jumping) That's right, Smuggins. 
{^HilUng km a violent slap on the back.) Well said, Smug- 
gins. {Giiing him another) Don't you interfere, Bonny- 
castl' ! 'mbrace your Clotty ! throw your arms round her 
queer VjAq body ! Smuggins, embrace your husband ! Helen, 
■embrace your nephew ! ( Throwing his arms round ^mvG- 
GINS ?A<jy2- Helen.) Again I No, not you. {Pushi?ig Smvg- 
■*«*^i violently aivay., then opens Ids arms and embraces Helen 
pulifJ t^^ally.) 

^-.. We'll be married to-morrow, Jeremiah! won't we, 
dear? 

Ban. Yea, my beloved one ! I say it again, my beloved 
one, we will be married to-morrow — and the next day too— 
and the day after that ! 

Fnter Patty, c. d., with lighted candles 

Pat. (to Johnson.) Your room's quite ready, sir. 

Smug. {Taking candle from Patty.) Egad, then, as it's 
getting Ia;e, suppose we all go tc bed Bye-the-bye Patty, 
whklx Yooih is it ? 



26 THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 

Pat. The little front attic, sir. 

Smug. Pooh, pooh— that won't do at all ! I have it- 
Jorum, you'll turn out of your room to accomodate Mr. and 
Mrs. Bonnvcastle — I'm sure you will. 

Bon (^Shouting.) Pooh ! No, no, 

JoJm. \Hastily.) Certainly not — the front attic '11 do very 
well for me. {SncU.ching candlestick from Smuggins' hond^ 
and going toivards c.) 

Smug. {Pulling him back.) Nonsense! {Taking camlle- 
stick and giving it to Bonnycastle.) There, run along, that's 
a good fellow — it's only for one night. 

Mrs. B. It's only for one night. Ha, ha, ha ! 

John. Don't you hear it's only for one night? Ha, ha, ha ! 

Smug. Will you go along ? 

John. "I 

p ^ ' /> Yes, go along. [Pushing him up stagp.. 

mi J 

Bon. Well, but [ Turning round omd round as Ive is 

pushed up, i}i spite of his struggling lie is forced off at 
Cj followed by Patty. 

Smug. There now, Helen, wish Mr. and Mrs. Bonnycastle 
good night. 

John. {Hastily aside to Helot.) I'll explain everything. 

HeJ. Silence, wretch ! [Goes out at door, l. 2 e. 

Mrs. B. {Hurriedly aside to Johnson ) Make some excuse 
for remaining here — get rid of Mr. Smuggins, and I'll return 
as soon as the coast is clear ! 

Smug {Returning ivith candle and giving it to Johnson.) 
Now, Bonnycastle ' ■ ^iC^ 

John. Nonsense ! we must have a glass of brandy and '• ' ^ ■ ' 
Smuggins, I should'nt get a wink of sleep without my bi.*uay 
and water. 

Smug. Eh ! very well, with all my heart. 

Mrs. B. Good night, Mr. Smuggins. 

Smtcg. Good night, my dear Mrs. Bonnycastle, permit me. 
(^Handing Iver gallayitly ?o d. l. 3 e , tlien kissing her hand^ 
Mits. Bonnycastle ^065 out after exchanging significant looks 
with Johnson, and closes door after Iter. 

Smug. Now then I'll go and mis the grog — or egad, what 
say you to have punch, eh, Bonnycastle? I'm a famous hand 
at punch — we'll have it in my little snuggery here, then w» 



I 



THE TWO BCKNYCASTLES. 27 

ifhan't disturb the ladies. I'll call you when it's ready — shan't 
be long. [Hurries out. at door u. 2 e. 

Jorm. {Watching him out^ Now then, to let Mrs. Bonny^ 
castle know that the coast is clear. 

[Crossing on tip-toe to door l. 3 2. 

Bon. {Suddenly appearing at window, r. 3 e.) Stop, or 
you're a dead man ! move another step towards that door and 
you're another dead man ! [Presenting a large pistol. 

John. Zounds ! what the deuce have you got there ? 

Bon. An ingenious species of fire-arms denominated a re- 
volver — so called from its keeping continually going round 
and incessantly going off. . [Fresenting pistol again. 

John. Confound it ! be quiet will you ? I won't move from 
this spot — upon my soul I won't. 

Bon. I won't trust you. There ! 

[Flinging a coil of rope into the room. 

John. What's this ? 

Bon. The clothes line ! which you'll be good enough to tie 
several times round your leg as tight as you can conveniently 
bear it ! 

John. Zounds, sir ! By what right ? 

Bon. By the right of my revolver ! [Presenting pistol. 

John. Very well. ( Ties one end of the rope round his leg.) 
There — now are you satisfied ? 

Bon. I'll tell you directly, {Giving him a violent jerk.) 
Yes, that'll do — and now. mind what you're about — recollect 
I'm under the window, with the clothes line in one hand and 
the revolver in the other. [Disappears. 

John. ( Watching him disappear.) Now then, for Mrs 
B'^nnycastle {Moves quickly towards door and is svddeiily 
c"f<l back again by the rope. ) 

Enter Mrs. Bonnycastle, cautiously at door l. 3 e. 

Mrs. B. {Looking in and in a low voice.) Is Mr. Smug 
gins gone? 

John. Yes, but first let me close the door. {Goes and 
sJiuts door R. 2 E ) Now, my dear madam. {Hurriedly crosif 
ing towards Mrs. Bonnycastle, is jndled back again by the 
rope.) 

Mrs. B. {Advancing.) And now, Mr. Johnson, perhaps 
you'll condescend to explain your extraordinary conduct, sir? 

John. In as few words as possible ! Passing through Can- 



2S TIIL TWO BONNYCASTLfiJ. 

terbury, I accidently saw Mr. Smuggins' charming niece, and 
hearing of your recent marriage, and not dreaming of the 
possibility of your arrival, I certainly did take the liberty of 
borrowing the respectable name of Bonnycastle, as the means 
of introducing myself under Smuggins' roof. It was wrong 
— dreadfully wrong — but you forgive me ? — say you forgive 
me [Advancing towards, her is pulled back again. 

Mrs. B. Well, since you plead love as an excuse, I suppose 
I must be inexorable — so there's my hand. 

[Holding out her hand. 

John. A thousand thanks ! (Advancing to talce licr hand 
is suddenly and violently pulled b'xck agai?t. aside ) Oh, con- 
found it ! I'm not going to be tied by the leg in this sort of 
way ! ( UnfasteJis tJtc rope from Jus leg and ties it to the leg of 
the arm chair ivhich is standing near him ) 

Mrs. B. But now — what's to be done '\ Mr. Smuggins 
firmly believes us man and wife ! 

John. And Helen, in a fit of indignation against me, has 
consented to marry that odious, ill-looking head clerk of his ! 

Mrs. B. Ha, ha, ha ! don't abuse poor Mr. Jorum ; depend 
upon it he'll never marry Helen. 

John. You make me the happiest of men ! {Kissing her 
hand repeatedly and earnestly., immediately tliere's a violent: 
tug at tJie arm chair. ) 

Mrs. B. What's that? [Starting. 

John. Nothing ! the wind I suppose ! (Leaning on the arie. 
chair and trying to keep it in its place in spite of tlie violent 
tugging ) 

Smug. {Without.) Now, Bonnycastle ! it's all ready- 
come al<jng. 

Mrs. B. Mr. Smuggins' voice /^^--v 

John. Where shall I go ? ah, here ! (About to rwi iA -r^ikym 
B. 3 E.; 

Mrs. B. [^Slopping him.) No— no ! but I must make him 
believe you are there ! leave that to me ! by that door— make 
baste ! 

• Johnson opejis c. u., and ru'** out. Mrs. B. runs oui 

L. 3 E. 

EtUe?- Smuggins, carrying a tray on which is a bowl of punch 
and two glasses. 



THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 29 

Smug. {As he enters.) Here it is, Bonaycastle — smoking 

hot ! and if you don't say it's remarkable pleasant tipple 

holloa ! why, where the deuce is he ? {Placing tlie tray on 
table.) 

Mrs. B. {From within and as if addressing somebody.) 
Very well, my dear, I'll explain everything to Mr. Smuggins. 

Enter Mrs. Bonnycastle, l; 3 e. 

S?nug. Heyday, anything the matter with Bonnycastle ? 

Mrs. B. One of his sudden attacks of headache, poor fel- 
low, so I persuaded him to^go to bed ! 

S?nug. Egad ! then, my dear Mrs. Bonnycastle, you must 
help me drink the punch — you must indeed ! just one glass — 
it'll do you a world of good — there ! (Making Mrs. Bonny- 
castle sit down Oft l. side of table.) Where the deuce is the 
chair ? oh, there it is ! (Going towards window for arm 
r.hair, xvhich lie brings down to r. side of the table while he 
^lelps M.R3. Bonnycastle to picnch.) There! (Giving glass 
to Mrs. Bonnycastle, and the moment lie seats himself the 
chah is again pulled away and he falls on the stage., pidling 
tlie tablt cloth, candles^ c^-c, down with him?) Zounds ! help ! 
murder ! (Mrs. Bonnycastle runs into room., r. 3 e., Bon- 
nycastle ywrnjos in from vnndow.) 

Bon. Good gracious ! I hope I hav'nt gone and done him 
a mischief f I know that last pull of mino was rather a 
powerful one. Oh, here he is ! {Liftiyig Smnggins up ) I 
did'nt mean to hurt you — 'pon my life I did'nt ! but if I have 
dislocated your leg say so, and I'll apologize — I can't say 
more! Holloa, it's Smuggins! Then, where is he? — whero 
\s he I say ? [Shaking Smuggins violently. 

Smi/g. He! who? Bonnycastle? 

Bo}i. No — yes — of course — Bonnycastle ! 

Smug. Oh, poor fellow, he's fast asleep by this time I hope 

Bo7i. Fast asleep ? where ? 

Smug. Where? why in bed of course! {Pointing in the 
directio7i of doo7-, l. 3. e.) 

Bo7i. Ah ! (Rushing to door, l. 3 e., and going on his knees, 
looks through the keyhole.) 

Smug. (Following him and trying to pull him away. 
How dare you, sir ? for shame of yourself. Jeremiah ! 

Bo7i. (Slumting ) I'm not Jeremiah ! 



«^0 THE TWO BONNYCASTLEs'. 

Smug. Don't make such a noise or you'll wake poor Bonn;y 
castle 

Bon Ele's not poor B()nnycn:nle — I'm poor Bonnycastle! 

Smug. Pooh ! how can that be when you're going to marry 
my niece Helen 'I 

Bon. I'm not going to marry your niece, Helen ! That 
for your niece Helen ! (Snapj>i/tg his fingers dose to Smug 
gins' m;.sej Marry your niece irden yourself ! Open the 
door! {Shouting and banging at door, ii. 2 E.) Open 
it this moment or I'll get Hobbr- to pick the lock ! {The door 
opens, and Mns Bonnvcastlk cj*i^e/-5 7f///i candle; Bonny- 
castle rushes frantically into tiip. room ; at 'he same moment 
Helen enters from l. 1 e.. and Johnson from c.) 

Mrs. B. i 

Hel. \ What's the matter? 

Jolm. ) 

Bon. {From Within) He's not here! {Rushing on) 
He's not there ! but what of that ? — here's his hat — no I it's 
a bonnet! {Shewing bonnet.) Oh! Clotilda, pardon my 
insane suspicions ! — it was entirely the fault of that stupid 
old Sninggins. Say you forgive me I {Clasping his hands 
together and crushing the bonnet ; tJien embraces Mrs. B.) 

Smug. Hollo! Here. Bonnycastle ! Don't you see! A 
fellow kissing your wife under your very nose ! ( Turning 
and seeii'g J OHNHON, who. after a feiv hurried ivords of expla- 
nation to Helen, is e7nbracing her.) Hollo! what does it all 
mean V 

Mrs B. It means, my dear Mr. Smuggins. that there have 
been a few slight mistakes, which, with your permission. I will 
explain. In the first place, that gentleman {jmiUing to 
Johnson) is not my husband — that's one great ini.stakei- 
This gentleman is my husband. 

[Taking Bonnycastle's hand 

Bon. And that's another great mistake ! ■ 

Snnig. (To Johnson.) Then, since you're'not Mr. Bonny- 
castle. perhaps you'll condcsLcnd to inform me who you are? 

JoJt.n,. Mr. John James Johnson, at your service. 

Mrs. B. A friend of mine, Mr. Smuggins, and so ardent an 
admirer of Miss Helen, that he could'nt resist the tempta- 
kion of borrowing my husband's name, in order to 

Smug Swindle me out of my niece, eh'/ 'Well, they say 



THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 3i 

all's fair in love ; so give me your hand, Bonnycastle — I mean 
Thompson — I should say Johnson ! And if Helen has no 
objection 

Hel. I must have ample time to consider, uncle — so, there's 
my hand, sir ! [Giving her hand to Johnson, 

Smug. This is all ve;ry well as far as it goes ; but {to Bon- 
nycastle) if you are Bonnycastle, and this lady's husband — 
and I suppose she knows something about it — hosv is it that 
you jome down herrand perch yourself on that stool for three 
weeks as Jeremiah Jorum 1 

Mrs. B. Yes, Mr. Bonjjycastle ; I require that explana- 
tion, as well as Mr. Smuggins. 

Bon. Then you shall hasre it. Come here, all of yoi». 
( They all surround him.) Of course we're friends — Dosom 
frJends — and if I unfold my short but moving tale, you won't 
let it go any further ? — I mean my tail. Then listen ! It has 
been remarked by no end of clever people, as well as myself, 
that man is the creature of circamstances. That's my case ! 
What drove me and my carpet bag from Hatton Garden- 
down Holborn Hill — up Snow Hill — down Cheapside — and 
over London Bridge to the South Eastern E-ailway Terminus 9 
What made me cease to be a Bonnycastle, and become a 
Jorum —a wretched clerk of a wretched l^'wver ? A trifle — a 
mere trifle — and here it is 1 [Z/rawmg zoatch out of his 

2)0ckef,. 

John. Hollo I \±iecognizing watch.) How did you get that 
watch ? 

Mrs. B. Yes ? it isn't your's, Benjamin, dear ! 

John. No ! its mine, Benjamin, dear i 

Ban ^!?MV'S 1 Sav i*^ ""^tJ-; 

r j'i'i. jVime ; I lost it three reeks a^o. 

Bon. In St. James's Parli ? 

John, Yes. 

Z?o«. Highway robbery ? 

Joh?i. Yes. 

Bon. Twenty pounds rcwartl^ 

John. Yes, for the apprehenfion of the ruflian. — - 

"./<. ^^a, ha, ha I capital! ii'sallrighl -hurrah! 
;.'r -ounds! wha:t do you mean ? 

n. i mean that I'm the riffian — I give myself up— so 
.-i over the twenty pounds. 

j'nncs. You? explain ? 



32 



THE TWO BONNYCASTLES. 



Bon. I can't now ! — all I say — and I say it emphatically-" 
is that I am not a highway robber — I scorn the action — ea 
pecially for such a trumpery old copper-gilt concern as this 
I've got a host of friends here to prove that the charge i 
utterly groundless, not that I mind it — I rather like it (* 
audience.) I think it's a thing to laugh at — don't you? Ii 
short, if you'll back me up, I'll let everybody know that thi 
little affair of the Two Bonnycastles is capital good fun !— 
may I ? — it's all right — hurrah ! [Stvings watch about. 



DISPOSITION OP THE CHARACTERS. 




I TRRQRY OF CONGRESS 

■Ml. 



014 528 



